he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
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