Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
