Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
