Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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