Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
