Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
