He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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