I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize