Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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