The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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