from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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