Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
