so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize