Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
