it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
