Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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