Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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