Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
