is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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