Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
