There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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