No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
