yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
