i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
