im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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