On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize