If that was your dad, he is hot
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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