i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
