just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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