What did we do last night that was yellow?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
