Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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