I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
