My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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