sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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