I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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