my room smells like sperm. sweet.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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