1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
When did we convert life to cartoon?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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