I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
