and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
