Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
