I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
