Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
