Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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