well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize