i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Randomize
