Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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