Cold hands, warm shart.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
