we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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