I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
