I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
This gyro tastes like lonliness
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
how drunk are you?
Several
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