Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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