Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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