Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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