I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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