Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
