I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
