My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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