So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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