Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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