I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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