I wish I could punch you in the face.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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